Guide On How To Become A Woman
by Sixteens
Summary: My name is Natalia Bennigton and I'm – was – one of those girls who thought the sun shined out of their boyfriend's arses, but not anymore. As of today, I am a woman of my own. I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.
1. Prologue

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you__  
__50 thousand tears I've cried__  
__Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you__  
__And you still won't hear me__  
__Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself__  
__Maybe I'll wake up for once__  
__Not tormented...Daily defeated by you__  
__Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom_

_Going Under, Evanescence._

* * *

You know those girls who get a boyfriend and he becomes their word? The ones that get so obsessed they no longer feel the need to have friends or anything that is not related to their boyfriend? The ones that will do _anything_ for their boyfriend to be happy and to continue to love them? Yeah, those girls are annoying. Those girls are pathetic. You laugh at them, and you think "My god, does she have no dignity? Doesn't she respect herself?" and you swear to yourself that you'll never become one of those girls. You know you are strong, you know you are independent, and you know no boy can take that away from you, no matter how handsome he is and how good he makes you feel.

Until he does.

You meet him and he's charming and nice and he makes you feel like the prettiest girl ever, and you think "Is that what true love feels like?". You're happy, you're ecstatic, you're in love and you're way in over your head. The happiness doesn't last forever. You start to fight and you can't understand how and when things went so wrong. You cry and you plead, and you lower yourself with each fight more and more. You want _him _and you're willing to do _anything _to keep him.

You love him, for god's sake! Doesn't that count? Doesn't he see how much you love him? How much you have done for him and how much you're willing to do for him? Why are things so hard? Love is supposed to make you weak in the knees and fill your stomach with tickling butterflies. Why does it hurt so much?

You start to ask yourself those questions you don't have the answer for.

And then things get even worse. He starts to act differently, he's rude and insensitive, and forgets to call you and he doesn't always tell you he loves you. The little things don't matter to him anymore and he starts to take you for granted. He thinks you'll always be there because he's used to you being always there. He thinks he owns you and he thinks you'll forgive every damn thing he does.

And you do. Because you _love _him and isn't love supposed to be about forgiveness and compromise?

But you notice he doesn't give you any compromises. You notice he doesn't forgive you easily. He becomes angry at you for the smallest of things – he starts to forbid you "Don't talk to him, I don't like the way he looks at you." "You can't go out wearing that." , "Why didn't you tell me you were going out? The next time ask me if you can go out!" and you submit to his wishes because, really, all you want is everything to be normal again. You want him to be back to his old self, the one that cares and is gentle. The one you never fought with.

But he never does. It pains you and you know things are breaking but you try with your mightiest power to cling on the last thread of hope left for you and him. But no matter how much you try and how much you want it to work out, it doesn't.

You sit alone on a Saturday night reading a book while all of your friends – but they aren't your friends anymore, are they? You left them without regret and they moved on from you – are outside having fun and doing things that make them happy.

Happy. You haven't felt happy in a long time. You want to feel happy.

You take out an old picture of you and him and you stare at it, remembering all the good times. You try to make excuse for yourself and for your failing relationship but after a few attempts that are clearly pathetic even to you, you give up. You start to think about your life before him. You were lonely, yeah, you wanted someone but you were happy. You were free.

Freedom.

Happiness.

You need them.

You crumple the photograph of you and him in your hands with a new fire in your eyes.

You know it would be hard and you know it would hurt, but you needed to do it. For yourself.

Because sometimes, as hard it is to accept, love isn't enough.

My name is Natalia Bennigton and I'm – was – one of those girls who thought the sun shined out of their boyfriend's arses, but not anymore. Starting today, I am a woman of my own. I'm tough, I'm ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.


	2. Rule 1 try to be a better person

_1. Post break-up self-destruction is not, and will never be, an efficient way to deal with the huge, gaping hole in your chest that's left after you break up with your arsehole of a boyfriend. Trust me – I know._

...

Dealing with the consequences of your actions is much harder than it sounds. You think "I'm going to give them a tearful, sappy apology and after a while, they'll have no chance to forgive me. I mean, they should know just how bad I feel for everything I've done, right? Right?" – yeah… it doesn't happen that way. It never does.

I never knew I was friends with such stubborn fuckers. I mean, honestly, can they feel a little sympathy here? Haven't they been in love? I know for a fact they have, and that should help them see things from my perspective, right?

Yeah, no. This is how my apology to my friends went:

I shuffled nervously inside the dorm, knowing for a fact that all of my friends were holed up in there. For a start, they didn't even acknowledge my presence, but I was pretty used to that. It had become a routine for the past couple of months. So, anyway, I stood at the foot of my bed, which was right next to Sally's bed, where all the girls sat. They all pretended I was not there, though. They'd become pros at it.

I was discouraged by their attitude, and since I was already a ball of nerves, I decided to leave it for another day when I felt more confident. But naturally, it didn't happen the way I wanted it.

"I'm surprised you're here." Alexis scoffed, looking up briefly from the game of cards they were playing to give me a superior look. "I thought you and Morrison were joined at the hip."

At this point all of them had looked up, and they were all looking at me with those dispassionate looks and I just couldn't stand it so I just exploded.

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm so very sorry. I know you were right about Colin, about me, about everything. I opened my eyes, finally I did. I know I probably don't deserve your forgiveness especially after practically ditching you, but I am really, really sorry and I promise I'll make up for it. I just… I miss you guys so much, it's literary hurting me. Colin is not worth all that. I know it now. You guys are much more important to me then some guy and I'm sorry it took me such a long time to realize that. Can you possibly forgive me?" I looked desperately at them with tears streaming down my face and hope practically radiating off me.

Do you know what I got for my trouble?

"It's a bit late, don't you think?" Alexis spoke again, looking at the other three girls. "You showed us you don't really value our friendship that much. How could we ever trust you again?"

I stared at her, opened mouthed. Alexis used to be the closest to me out of all the girls, we practically grew up together. I expected her to forgive me first. But she stood there, wearing that damned superior look on her face that she usually uses with people she doesn't like, and waited patiently for my response, something akin to triumph glinting in her clear blue eyes.

"What happened actually?" She began in would-be casual voice, glancing at my mutes friends and then back at me. "Did Colin break up with you because of that brunette, what was her name? Ah, Casey Bennett, wasn't she? From Ravenclaw." She raised her eyebrows superciliously at me. "You thought you could come and grovel after you've been dumped. You thought –well , they'd take me in, right? Well, you thought wrong."

But I could hear only one thing. I know it was wrong, and it wasn't going to earn me any points with my friends but I had to ask. "Casey Bennett?" I murmured quietly.

Alexis opened her mouth to answer, a catty look in her eyes but Lily beat her to it.

"We saw them together on James's party during the summer." She glared at Alexis. "We agreed not to tell you because it's none of our business, but I guess this promise doesn't stand anymore." She looked back at me and her eyes softened slightly. "I'm sorry, Natalia. I know you really love him and you must feel-"

I held up my hand in the air and a bubble of disbelieving laughter escaped my lips. "The arsehole was _cheating on me_? On top of everything I've been through because of him – he had the gall to actually fucking cheat on me?" I shook my head and looked at them. "I just… you know what, forget it. I need to go." I hurried out of the room and Alexis's shout followed me all the way to the bottom of the stairs.

"Yeah, I can see just how important we are to you! Don't bother coming back, Bennigton!"

And this is how I found myself in Conan McLaggen's bed, naked, sweaty and absolutely drained emotionally.

…

I've always thought that girls who sleep around must have no conscience. Of course that changed once I started to be one of those girls.

I do have conscience, plenty of it, in fact. But the sex, the adrenaline, the passion – it just erases it from my mind, you know? For an hour, I'm just a physical being – I don't think, I just _do_. I'm not proud of myself. In fact every time I leave another dormitory at the crack of down so one can catch me, I feel like absolute garbage. I know that what I'm doing isn't really that much different from my caged life with Colin. I know this isn't really helping me become a "woman of my own" and still, I do it.

You ask me why… I have no answer for it.

But the thing is; people talk. Whoever said men don't kiss and tell, or in this case shag and tell, well, he or she was one delusional human being. I've never been a squeaky clean kind of girl. I have a record, I'm not exactly what you'd call goody-two-shoes, and I'm not exactly the nicest person around, but I've never been a slag. I guess it comes with the whole three year long relationship I had going on with Colin.

But at the moment, my name is everyone's mouth – usually linked with a random bloke's name as well. Only they are not that random as one might think. All of the blokes I've slept with in the past few weeks are blokes Colin absolutely despises. It's petty, I know that, but Merlin, does it feel good to see his red face whenever he learns about my newest conquest. It fills me with sick pleasure just knowing that I'm somehow hurting him.

My friends haven't spoken to me at all. I don't know what exactly happened in my short absence, but it seemed like Alexis had become some sort of a leader – I don't even know how to describe it. It's just baffling to watch Lily, Sally and Selly listening to every word she says. It's like she has them hypnotized or something. I've always known she could be rather manipulative when she wants to, but I used to find it funny because I thought she'd never use it against me.

That's also another thing. Why was she acting like this? I mean, I get it – I messed up. I know I'm probably expecting too much but still, we all makes mistakes. We can't be perfect. I can't be perfect. It just seems like she doesn't care at all, you know? At not only does it anger me, but it hurts me too. We've been friends for years and years, long before we came to Hogwarts. We always swore to each other that no matter what, our friendship with make it through.

Maybe I should stop holding onto ancient promises. After all, Colin promised to never hurt me as well. I just want to stop thinking all together, you know? I want to float through the nothingness and feel nothing. It's like there's a huge hole permanently etched in my chest, and it's like nothing can fill that. I feel empty. I feel drained, and yet I can't stop thinking about it.

It's like I've build up my own prison, and I have thrown the key somewhere and I can't find it.

…..

Its 3 a.m and I'm in the common room, sitting in front of the fireplace and watching the fire dying slowly. I've come up with at least twenty metaphors to match the dying fire and my current state of mind. I've got to say, I have talent for this kind of thing.

I sigh deeply and lean back against the scarlet, plush couch. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I've never been alone, per se. I'm just not used to the silence. The solitude. The loneliness. It's just unexpected. Maybe now I can sympathize with Snape more, but even he has friends now. I'll try apologizing again but this time, I'll take a different road. I'll talk to Lily instead – she has such a nice, kind heart that she can't refuse me, especially if I turn on the waterworks. Yeah, maybe I've picked up something from Alexis… but whatever gets me out of this pathetic state, I'm in.

"Bennington, what are you doing here so late?" I jump, startled at the voice. I look over my shoulder and see Sirius Black standing just behind me, his arms crossed over his chest and a frown marring his face.

"I'm just thinking." I say, frowning at him. "What are _you_ doing here so late?"

"It's none of your business." He muttered, eyeing me suspiciously.

I watch him for a few shorts moments but then I get bored by his suspicious looks and turn around, my eyes falling on the piles of ash in the fireplace. Sirius doesn't like me. I have no idea why. I've never offended him in anyway – well, not to his face at least and I haven't acted mean toward him. In fact, I pretty much don't notice his existence until he and his friends force me to. You see, Sirius and his best mates James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew calls themselves the Marauders. Real practical jokers, those four. Pretty much the whole school population is in love with them, with the exception of a few Slytherins. It's like they've put a spell on almost everyone. Anyway, they like to very publically humiliate Slytherins and prank everyone else. It's kind of hard to ignore them when they turned your pudding to slugs or charm the tongue to stick to the roof of your mouth when you're kissing your boyfriend.

But back to Sirius. He doesn't like me. At all. He has no issues with showing his dislike towards me but he has never bothered me all that much. I mean, I was too preoccupied with other things to worry about some guy's dislike toward me. But now I have plenty of time to ponder about it – sadly enough.

And it baffles me. What is his problem, anyway?

"Hey, Sirius—" He stops at the middle of the stairs case and turns slightly to give me a quizzical look.

"Why don't you like me?" I ask, looking curiously at him.

Surprise flashes through his eyes and his eyebrows scrunch up together as he turns fully around to face me. "You remind me of my family." He says, shocking me. He scowls slightly and stares at something at the opposite law. "You just have the same attitude towards thing –no, not the pureblood mania but your whole attitude just screams 'I'm a spoiled pureblood princess and everything I want should be handed to be on a silver platter'." He shrugs, looking completely unapologetic. "Besides, the stunt you pulled with your friends?" He scowls and shakes his head. "That's just not right. Friends are everything, Bennington. They are here when other aren't. They are for forever and to see someone throw that away?" He sighs and runs his hand through his hair, his face suddenly twisting. "It's just not something I can respect."

"Oh…" I say, feeling pretty speechless.

Sirius smiles a little. "Didn't see that coming, did you? But there is still hope for you, Bennington." He says as he turns around and continues up the stairs. "Become the person who you respect and who you want people to respect – you can't be a brat all your life. Good night now, Bennington."

"Good night." I echo, suddenly feeling even worse than before.

* * *

_**Author's note: **_There is very little dialogue in this chapter for which I'm sorry. It just happened that way, but at least I gave you a bit of Sirius/Natalia interaction. There are pictures of Natalia and everyone else on my profile, if any of you is interested to see them, feel free.

Thanks to anyone who has alerted/favourited and thanks to mspstar97 for leaving that lovely first review. Of course, thanks to fictionlover101 for her review as well. I appreciate it when people write a review because it makes me want to write more and it also can benefit my writing.

But thanks for anyone who has taken the time to read this :)

I'm onto the next chapter now! Goodbye ;3


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